Postcards from Home, Part 1

The other day I was going through some overstuffed drawers of mine–that is, getting rid of all the crap–and I found a journal-type thing from my two one-week stays at the Girl Scout Camp Lakota. My journal entries were kind of, um…half-assed and stupid, but the postcards my parents pre-wrote that were given to me throughout those weeks are very amusing. Therefore, I will reproduce the text here. The signatures are omitted.

Monday
[front shows some weird modern art type thing with heads...and hands...and a parrot...and some guy with a top hat]
“Constance,
We hope this note finds you in great comfort. Please read it with an accent.
‘IT’”

Tuesday
I’m going to skip this one because it was less amusing than the others.

Wednesday
[front shows an Edward Gorey (probably) drawing of someone, possibly a nun (?),  sitting on a pole somewhere in the ocean or a bay or something wet]
Front of postcard:
“I’m sending you this card today
Because I’ve nothing else to say.”
Back of postcard:
“Dear Constance,
I’m (we’re) sure you have lots to say, because I (we) know you’ve been busy and you’re having lots of fun.
I (we) can’t wait to hear about all your adventures.
You’ll have to tell me (us) all about it when you (they) get home.”

Thursday
[front shows a capital A, lowercase a and capital B with arms and legs dancing or jumping or something, with a cat sitting in a cupboard]
Front of postcard:
“Great A, little a,
Bouncing B;
The cat’s in the cupboard,
And she can’t see.”
Back of postcard:
“Today, Tinka masters the alphabet. Tomorrow, the World!
___________
Constance,
We’re having a fine time running and hiding from the cats. Thinking of you, [signatures]“

Friday
[front shows a reproduction of a "Sierra Sue" poster]
“Howdy, Pardner!
How are you enjoying the view from the top of a horse?
Too bad we can’t fit one in our apartment. Spike [our dog] is as close as we get.”

I’m going to save the rest of the postcards for another day, but there’s lots of other amusing stuff in here. For example, at one point we were all given a booklet of blank pages with headings at the top, and filled them in during a lecture. Being lazy, I only did the drawing parts, which were taped into the journal. Of course, so were the headings of the other three empty pages, resulting in this:

“Horse Safety

Brushing My Horse
Constance did learn about these things, but was too lame to write any of it down.
-Mommy

My Camp Lakota Memories
^Also failed to fill out this page.“

Stay tuned for more random crap out of the madness that passes for sanity in my family!

Oh, and it’s my birthday by the way. So yeah.

Tags: awesome, bizarre, crap, I wrote it!, the joys of camp

Contextless and Sanity-Impaired Post

But you know the really annoying thing about Across the Universe was that there was a character named Maxwell, and he had a silver hammer, and he never killed anyone with it.

Does your depravity know no bounds?

No. And don’t quote movies at me.

…Insert Donovan here.

Happiness runs in a circular motion
Thought is like a little boat upon the sea
Everybody is a part of everything anyway
You can have everything if you let yourself be
Happiness runs, happiness runs

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Donovan, madness, sanity-deficient

Can Idiots Be Smart?

No one seems to read this anymore. Thusly, I can address my mental goings-on without fear of…something.

I’m going to explain part of something very complicated. I have this little version of myself in my head which is sort of me how I’d like to be. And I wander around through various worlds from books and movies and my own demented thinking. Generally I single out a few characters and stalk them, at least in the beginning. This would explain by Beatles issues to some extent.

Anyway, the other me likes to bug people. One person in particular. So much that I climb in his window at five in the morning just because it bothers him. And I make fun of him a lot, because I know he won’t hit me. (This isn’t because I have control over what he does in my head. I like to stay true to character.) And no, it’s not Paul. That’s a whole ‘nother…thing that’s whole.

Ahem. Anyway, just because I enjoy bugging people doesn’t mean I don’t like them. What I want to know is, can an idiot not be stupid? This question has been presented to me in various situations by a certain talking dog. I’ve stopped making assorted comments because of it. So…answers?

Also, my sanity is severely disrupted by the nosreps. “Nosrep” is “person” backwards. They’re exact opposites of existing people, and a plot device that I made up because I was running out of ideas for ways to—never mind. Well, they aren’t exact opposites in all ways, just in most aspects of personality. Most people never meet theirs, which is good, because it could start a huge war. You should have seen—never mind. But they’ve kind of taken on a life of their own. I reconciled with my nosrep, Ecnatsnoc, a while ago, and we met in an alley while she was hunting a nosrep called Tsiom. Um. So you can see my problem.

I forgot what I was talking about. Sorry.

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Discworld, nonsense, nosreps, revelation

“I think it is because my sanity is slipping away.”

Terry Pratchett is awesome.

About the last post: Yeah. Sorry. I overreact sometimes. It’s…yeah.

And I had a really weird dream last night. It’s the second dream I’ve had recently involving some weird kid who is nicknamed Kokopelli. First, look at this picture.

Now, listen carefully. This Kokopelli person did not have a flute or instrument of any kind, and obviously he was wearing clothes. BUT:

1. His skin was black. Actually black.

2. He didn’t have a face, but he could talk. Kinda creepy now that I think about it.

3. He had these weird frozen spikes on his head. They looked like hair, but frozen. In spikes.

And he needed to tell me something secret and really important, but he couldn’t because every time he tried to talk to me, all my other friends showed up. There was also something where we would draw pictures in the air with our fingers and they became real. I drew Lysander–

Cool!

–but then I erased him because he was so annoying.

Hey!

Yeah, there’s something seriously wrong here.

Tags: bizarre, Dreams, invisible, madness

Beatles and Fish!

What do fish have to do with anything? I don’t know; I only know that they’ve shown up in most of my dreams about the Beatles. Except the ones with the spaceships and the intestines…but never mind. The point is, obviously the Beatles and fish have some kind of deep subconscious relationship.

Or maybe I’m just crazy.

The first dream, which I have never told the full details of, started with me swimming in this awesome lake. Then these people came out into the water holding what were probably blocks of wood covered in fish, and scraped the fish into the water. The fish then came to life. I continued swimming in this disturbing situation for a while, and don’t remember stopping.

Later, I was in some kind of mall with someone who was my dad and yet wasn’t, and–you guessed it–the Beatles! From Yellow Submarine, of course. And for some reason they were all really tall. Anyway, then there was the elevator bit. This was when, as far as I can remember, the Beatles were in an elevator, and Ringo came up with the idea of standing on top to get to the next floor sooner. He was the only one who did this. After the elevator stopped we had to go pull him out. The other Beatles came out of the elevator first, of course. And they were singing something.

The thing I can’t stand is that I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE SINGING! Damn. And then I woke up with “Nowhere Man” stuck in my head, and no, that wasn’t it.

And so that I can shut up and talk about something else, enjoy this:

It’s the evil volcanic toilet! Dun-dun-dun.

Tags: awesome, Beatles, bizarre, elevators, FAIL, Failblog, fish, nonsense

Teen Pregnancy

I know, I know. Reading the title, you’re expecting a long, serious discussion. What’s wrong with you people? This is me we’re talking about. Which is why I present you with:

This particular cake goes hand-in-hand with an Algebra problem that I find funny. It was one of those ones where you have to figure out the ages of two people. This is what it said (I can’t remember the actual name):

“Sarah is 16 years older than her son.”

Um.

Are the Algebra people advocating teen pregnancy?

Tags: bizarre, FAIL, lame, misunderstandings

The Erratic Jacket Revisited

Everyone remembers my “Erratic Jacket Phenomenon” post, yes? (If not, go find it. It’s hilarious.) Well, may I introduce to you, the one, the only…

Erratic Jacket Study! [clapping]

Embellishments aside, I need to explain what I’ve done here, because it’s a little odd and unnecessary. I’ve actually counted every single time the aforementioned Erratic Jacket (which is awesome, by the way) changes colors, etc. So prepare to be amazed at the utter pointlessness of my undertaking!

Color Changes
Black: 23 times
Brown: 1 time
Purple: 29 times
Purple, obviously, is the dominant color.

Those Weird Changes in the Back of the Jacket
Split (or whatever it’s called): 11 times
Solid: 6 times
In Between: 1 time
I can’t say which is dominant here. My count is probably inaccurate because I totally forgot this part until halfway through the “Nowhere Man” bit. Sorry.

Number of Times Paul’s Collar Switched Between White & Orange After They Put The Uniforms On: 5 times

Here are some other things I wrote down, just because it was fun.

Total Lame Jokes: 68

And finally, here are some things Duncan and I said while we were watching Yellow Submarine. (Some are explained in parentheses.)
“He’s eating my pencil!” (Io likes to attack pencils, apparently. O-kay, moving on.)
“What the hell is he singing?”
“Real life?”
“This is why Ringo will never play the bagpipes.”
“Look, he squishes his nose.” (No clue.)
“Why is that horse’s head smoking?”
“I said–That’s a phone.” (Well, actually, I did say that. But I was going to say I said something else, except that Duncan thought a phone was a clock.)
“Hell is for love me?” (I misheard something Duncan said.)
“But ‘urgent’ starts with a ‘u’!” (Yes, it does. Not an “e”. A “u”.)
“Flying Ringos!” (End of “Only A Northern Song”.)
“George has a pointy head.” (It’s true.)
“Where did the flowers go?” (I mean, seriously. First they’re floating behind Paul. Then they vanish. What’s up with that?)
“Paul’s nose is funny-looking.” (It is! If you look at Paul’s nose in Yellow Submarine, it really is funny-looking! Nobody has a nose like that!)

For those of you who don’t understand the last one, look at this:

See? See?!

Now look at that and tell me Paul’s nose isn’t funny-looking.

And Peyton, I know you’re reading this. When is a good time for me to, uh, kidnap you and make you watch Yellow Submarine?

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Erratic Jacket, errors, music, Paul McCartney, Yellow Submarine

Weird Dreams

I had a truly bizarre dream last night. This is how it went (Truly absurd parts will be preceded by the phrase “WEIRD PART”.):

I don’t remember all of it, but I remember there was a blue penguin named Let It Be who had gone missing, so I was looking for him, I think. And I was in this auditorium, but I was invisible. There were some intestines (?) floating next to me…they were also invisible, fortunately. I was standing on a stage behind a wall or something, and I looked around it.

WEIRD PART: Paul McCartney was on the stage. (Just…don’t ask. My Beatles obsession extends to my dreams sometimes.)

Here I should explain that there is someone mentioned in the book I’m reading–I don’t know if this is a real person–who is referred to as Lord Macartney, as I remember. For some reason, in the dream, I knew that this character was in the play or whatever.

WEIRD PART: I remember thinking, in the dream, that it was funny that Paul McCartney was apparently playing this Lord Macartney person.

I don’t remember what happened after that.

If you laugh at me, I will do something bad to you.

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Dreams, intestines, invisible, Throne of Jade