The Merits of Hell

(What, you thought that was going to be my only post today? Jeesh.)

I had an amazing dream once about hell/Hell. It was also very strange:

I was in high school (though it looked suspiciously like Lincoln). one of my friends was warned that she was going to be prematurely sent to Hell. She agreed, for some reason. When the day came, a big swirly portal opened at school and my friend got sucked in. I remember telling a teacher I was following her, getting permission (!), and jumping in just before the swirly portal closed.

Hell turned out to be an inn which was nicknamed “The Hell Hole”, as nobody knew what it was really called. It consisted of a kitchen/bar, several tables which folded into double beds, a staircase (forbidden), a door (also forbidden), and several large windows. Hell apears to have a landscape similar to Mars.

The odd thing was, we weren’t allowed to go outside. As my friend and I sprawled (I love that word) on our bed and stared out the window, I remember commenting “What the hell is out there, anyway?” I thought this was hilarious, but my friend called it a lame pun.

However, this is not the best part.

There is a teacher at my school who teaches Tolerance, but she must be the most INtolerant person I have ever met. She treats us like little kids, acting like she’s all nice and sweet and friendly and a bunch of other sickening crap like that. Then you complain about something or correct her or make the slightest mistake and BAM!–Detention! Her name is Ms. Suzuki.

In my dream, Ms. Suzuki was the owner of The Hell Hole.

This dream did not involve intestines (invisible or otherwise), but I’m mentioning them here for an excuse to use the tag again.

Also, with regards to the issues discussed in “You Better Not Laugh” (see post): I had thought I could just let this die down a bit. Then, of course, my mom had to go be an *** about it (Groupies…*shudders*), making jokes about what I would do if I could go back in time and meet the Beatles. Therefore I find it necessary to make this statement: I NO LONGER HAVE A CRUSH ON PAUL. (He’s still awesome, though.)

Tags: Beatles, Dreams, Hell, intestines, invisible, Ms. Suzuki

The Process of Britification, or Inopportune “U” Placers Anonymous

I can’t spell anymore.

Inopportune “U” Placers Anonymous (IUPA) Mindset Adjustment Guide:

Say loudly to self, “Vigor does not have a ‘u’ in it.” Repeat as necessary.

There is definitely something wrong with me now. I mean, really, when you start typing “vigour” in forum posts, then it’s all gone wrong. [banging head against wall] This is not Europe! Help!!!!!

Tags: Beatles, Britification, errors, IUPA, lame

The Erratic Jacket Revisited

Everyone remembers my “Erratic Jacket Phenomenon” post, yes? (If not, go find it. It’s hilarious.) Well, may I introduce to you, the one, the only…

Erratic Jacket Study! [clapping]

Embellishments aside, I need to explain what I’ve done here, because it’s a little odd and unnecessary. I’ve actually counted every single time the aforementioned Erratic Jacket (which is awesome, by the way) changes colors, etc. So prepare to be amazed at the utter pointlessness of my undertaking!

Color Changes
Black: 23 times
Brown: 1 time
Purple: 29 times
Purple, obviously, is the dominant color.

Those Weird Changes in the Back of the Jacket
Split (or whatever it’s called): 11 times
Solid: 6 times
In Between: 1 time
I can’t say which is dominant here. My count is probably inaccurate because I totally forgot this part until halfway through the “Nowhere Man” bit. Sorry.

Number of Times Paul’s Collar Switched Between White & Orange After They Put The Uniforms On: 5 times

Here are some other things I wrote down, just because it was fun.

Total Lame Jokes: 68

And finally, here are some things Duncan and I said while we were watching Yellow Submarine. (Some are explained in parentheses.)
“He’s eating my pencil!” (Io likes to attack pencils, apparently. O-kay, moving on.)
“What the hell is he singing?”
“Real life?”
“This is why Ringo will never play the bagpipes.”
“Look, he squishes his nose.” (No clue.)
“Why is that horse’s head smoking?”
“I said–That’s a phone.” (Well, actually, I did say that. But I was going to say I said something else, except that Duncan thought a phone was a clock.)
“Hell is for love me?” (I misheard something Duncan said.)
“But ‘urgent’ starts with a ‘u’!” (Yes, it does. Not an “e”. A “u”.)
“Flying Ringos!” (End of “Only A Northern Song”.)
“George has a pointy head.” (It’s true.)
“Where did the flowers go?” (I mean, seriously. First they’re floating behind Paul. Then they vanish. What’s up with that?)
“Paul’s nose is funny-looking.” (It is! If you look at Paul’s nose in Yellow Submarine, it really is funny-looking! Nobody has a nose like that!)

For those of you who don’t understand the last one, look at this:

See? See?!

Now look at that and tell me Paul’s nose isn’t funny-looking.

And Peyton, I know you’re reading this. When is a good time for me to, uh, kidnap you and make you watch Yellow Submarine?

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Erratic Jacket, errors, music, Paul McCartney, Yellow Submarine

Revelation of the Week

Yeah, this is kind of lame. See, for a good bit of last month, I had “The Fool On The Hill” stuck in my head. And this is because I had listened to it before, obviously, and suddenly thought, like this big revelation, “Hey, wait a sec! I’m the Fool on the Hill!” Of course I’m not really, but come on. It’s plausible. Either that or I’m becoming one of those people who reads too much into Beatles songs. Like those idiots that came up with the whole “Paul is dead” thing.

Also, pancakes are actually pretty good cold.

This is kinda unrelated, but a couple days ago I was walking home with Peyton & Co. (well, just Peyton and Ashley, but Peyton & Co. sounds better) and Peyton said something about how when she gets old, she’s going to have “brilliant” white hair. For some reason this use of the word brilliant made me laugh. I have no idea why. I sort of think it could possibly have something to do with this Beatles obsession thing, but that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

By the way, look at some of the things I like: The Beatles. Monty Python. Terry Pratchett. The Rutles.

Do you see something wrong in the fact that at least half of my entertainment (etc.) comes from British guys?

Tags: Beatles, lame, Monty Python, music, revelation, Rutles, Terry Pratchett, word association

The World is What?

I first heard Rubber Soul when I was about six. That album has always been one of my favorites, which I think has something to do with the sound of something, some element in there, but I don’t know what. However, for years after I first heard it, I would often wonder what the heck “The Word” was supposed to be about. This is because, well, I had no clue what the words really were.

You are all familiar with the actual lyrics, yes? Well, this is what I was hearing:

Save the world and you’ll be free
Save the world and be like me
Save the world and think it out
Have you heard the world is love?
It’s so fine
It’s sunshine
It’s the world love

I know what you’re all thinking: “What the hell?” And that’s what I was thinking, but keep in mind I was six. I assumed that “the world is love” must mean something important to be in a song. Here’s the sad part: I went around with this misconception for several years. Recently I got back into the Beatles; then, and only then, did I realize what the real words were.

Which makes “the world is love” even weirder, in my opinion.

Tags: Beatles, errors, FAIL, lame, music, nonsense, revelation, stupid, the world

OH, I Get It Now!

I’m sooooooo lame.

A couple days/weeks/some unit of time ago, Duncan and I were home alone, late. We were watching The Rutles with popcorn. That is, we were having popcorn, not them. And I was checking the songs against the ones on our CDs. And I realized how lame something was which I shall reveal to you now.

Looooong ago, I was obsessively looking up Beatles songs on Wikipedia, as I do, and I read something about Ringo’s real name being Richard Starkey on the actual page for the band. This seems irrelevant, but it gets better.

Much more recently, although not within the past month or so, I was listening to the White Album outside my iPod for the first time in…ever, I think. Maybe not quite. Anyway, I was looking at the lyrics for “Don’t Pass Me By”, and it said Starkey under it instead of Lennon/McCartney or Harrison. I spent a moment puzzling over it, but decided it was someone connected to the Beatles who I’ve never heard of.

A week or two later, I was watching The Rutles for the first or second time, and there’s this thing where they say they found their drummer, Barrington Womble (or something), hiding in the van, and had him change his name to save time, so he changed it to Barry Wom. And I was thinking, “Okay, he’s the drummer, so he’s Ringo, and Ringo did change his name. What did he change it from?…Oh, Richard Starkey.” Later in the movie, my mind wanders to the White Album. And:

“OH! I get it now!” Yes, I said that out loud (I think) upon realizing that Ringo had written “Don’t Pass Me By”.

I’m so lame.

—————–

I can has problem?

Okay, so I told you that before, I couldn’t listen to Wings, right? Then I told you about how part of “Too Many People” floated through my head and got me hooked on our one CD for a weekend, yes? Y’know what happened the following week?

I spent three days getting “Band On The Run” out of my head. This seems trivial, sure, but I love that song, yet now I avoid it completely. Why? Two words:

Guilt trip.

Listening to Wings makes me feel guilty. Like I’m betraying my Beatles fandom. Every single time I think of this, I realize how utterly stupid that sounds. And it is stupid.

I can has help?

Tags: Beatles, lame, revelation, Rutles, Starkey, Wikipedia

Wings

I have “Band On The Run” stuck in my head because absolutely everything gets a song stuck in my head. Example: Two days ago my Core teacher was talking about taking the easy way out on the writing assessment. What do I hear? “Got a good reason for taking the easy way out…” Damn.

But this is why I have “Band On The Run” stuck in my head:

Last night, I’m eating at La Pinata with my family (of course) and my dad says something about making mistakes or “your first mistake” or something like that. I think nothing of it, but then I hear, “That was your first mistake…” So I’m sitting there hearing this, and I think, “What song is that from? No, no, no…What the heck? That’s not a Beatles song!”

Then I remember, wait, that’s from a Wings song, so I frantically scroll through them in my head. Unfortunately, I don’t know all the Wings songs on the one album we have (some weird “Hits and History” thing), so I’m stuck. I have that one line in my head all night.

This morning, driven by that single phrase, I was forced to listen to the entire Wings album (both disks) until I finally found “Too Many People”, which is actually pretty good. In the process, I rediscover “Band On The Run”, which sounds like it was written by an escaped lunatic (sorta), but is funny and I like it.

So at least I know what I’m putting on my iPod when I get it back.

Tags: awesome, Band On The Run, Beatles, La Pinata, nonsense, Paul McCartney, Wings

You Better Not Laugh

You probably already know, looking at my previous Beatles posts. If not…my mom will tell you. I’m not saying.

Anyway–

Something seems to be keeping me from listening to Wings. I don’t get it; it’s like it’s hurting me or something. I just can’t. And I think I know why:

Listening to these songs now, knowing it’s not the Beatles, forces me to admit to myself that I have this thing…

Yeah.

I used to have a crush on Ringo when I was, what, five? I remember asking my mom which of the Beatles were still alive, and when she told me I said “Good.” I wonder if she knew then? She does now.

And now it’s the other one. Although I guess it makes more sense that way. It would disturb me if it was a dead person.

And a funny thing:

I was thinking about something, I don’t remember what, and I came up with this: “We’re better than them because we don’t think we’re better than them.” And I though it made so much sense. And then I went over it again, and I thought, “We’re better than them because we don’t think we’re better than–wait, what?” Because it just doesn’t work. But it’s funny.

Tags: Beatles, crushes, nonsense, Paul McCartney, Wings

Weird Dreams

I had a truly bizarre dream last night. This is how it went (Truly absurd parts will be preceded by the phrase “WEIRD PART”.):

I don’t remember all of it, but I remember there was a blue penguin named Let It Be who had gone missing, so I was looking for him, I think. And I was in this auditorium, but I was invisible. There were some intestines (?) floating next to me…they were also invisible, fortunately. I was standing on a stage behind a wall or something, and I looked around it.

WEIRD PART: Paul McCartney was on the stage. (Just…don’t ask. My Beatles obsession extends to my dreams sometimes.)

Here I should explain that there is someone mentioned in the book I’m reading–I don’t know if this is a real person–who is referred to as Lord Macartney, as I remember. For some reason, in the dream, I knew that this character was in the play or whatever.

WEIRD PART: I remember thinking, in the dream, that it was funny that Paul McCartney was apparently playing this Lord Macartney person.

I don’t remember what happened after that.

If you laugh at me, I will do something bad to you.

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Dreams, intestines, invisible, Throne of Jade

For Something’s Sake!

Dag. I hate this dag holiday rush stuff. (“Dag” is my new all-purpose word. Like it? It’s shiny.)

But really. I still need a frame for the thing I’m giving Peyton. Heck, I still need to DRAW the thing I’m giving Peyton. Not to mention my lack of anything for anyone else.

It’s getting worse all the time…

Speaking of butchering Beatles songs, look what I made up:

When you’re listening late at night
You may think the band are not quite right
And they’re not
I’m way out of key

What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Well, I hope not ’cause I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll probably be out of key

By the way, do you know how funny “Yesterday” sounds if you replace the word “yesterday” with “scrambled eggs” in every verse?

Scrambled eggs
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe
In scrambled eggs

Why she had to go I don’t know, she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong, now I long for scrambled eggs

Yeah. Only problem with this is, Roth and Lysander like to sing it. Especially Lysander.

It’s funny.

It was the first time.

You know, Lysander, I have to agree.

You always side with her!

So?

Shut it, you overgrown lizard.

That’s enough, guys. Um, bye.

Tags: Beatles, Christmas, first 10, imaginary friends, music, suckish, Yule