Official Writery-ness

If you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past…uh…let’s call it “time”–I decided at some point that I wasn’t going to make another blog post until another one of the Beatles died. Obviously, this is not really practical or sane.

However, the fact is I don’t have much to say. But! I do have a new website to host all my random writering. Click the link below and bookmark and stuff.

The Notepad

Tags: Beatles, short stories, writery, writing

Contextless and Sanity-Impaired Post

But you know the really annoying thing about Across the Universe was that there was a character named Maxwell, and he had a silver hammer, and he never killed anyone with it.

Does your depravity know no bounds?

No. And don’t quote movies at me.

…Insert Donovan here.

Happiness runs in a circular motion
Thought is like a little boat upon the sea
Everybody is a part of everything anyway
You can have everything if you let yourself be
Happiness runs, happiness runs

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Donovan, madness, sanity-deficient

Beatles Rock Band: Evil?

As gratified as I am that Beatles Rock Band has finally come out, I am disgusted by the number of people who are suddenly Beatles fans. Hey, guys? [whistles] Over here! I was a Beatles fan before they were cool in this decade!

If I become cool for liking them, the Apocalypse is coming.

I bet you’re wondering why this bothers me so much. I mean, I love the Beatles. Why should I protest if everyone else does too? Two reasons:

1) I don’t want to become mainstream, although this is less important.

2) You know they only like the Beatles because they’ve suddenly become new and exciting again. In two months they’ll be back with–whatever teenagers listen to now. I am a real Beatles fan. All these other people are just joining in because it’s something new. Kind of like in Ankh-Morpork.

What do you think? Tell me your opinions on this not-particularly-phenomenal phenomenon.

Tags: Beatles, Discworld, mainstream, stupid, Terry Pratchett

Beatles Obsession

Exaggeration.

So I’m finally getting back to my standard Beatles-related things. Today I shall address my limited experience of the Beatles as a little kid.

First, Yellow Submarine. No clue how many times I watched it back then, but certain bits of it always stayed with me. I never forgot the Blue Meanies or the Glove, obviously, but there’s more. I retained some of the strangest things, too, like the “Nowhere Man” sequence and the part toward the end: “Arise, arise, arouse, a rose!…a rosy nose?” And “All Together Now”. Not surprisingly, I had vague memories of all the songs apart from “It’s All Too Much”. By the way, there are some weird lyrics in that. For example:

Show me that I’m everywhere, and get me home for tea

Then there’s Rubber Soul. I first heard that when I was I don’t know how old, and I fell in love with the CD. I never even knew it was by the Beatles. You already know about that “the world is love” thing, which is very entertaining now, but I had other odd experiences as well. At one point I was singing “Girl” under my breath (as I often do) as we were leaving for somewhere, and my parents thought it was really funny.

This would not be complete without mentioning Abbey Road, which you should not put in the CD player if you’re going to hit “shuffle”. I think we had it on tape when I was in…first grade? I remember listening to it in the car and my favorite song being “Oh! Darling”. I didn’t know the name, so it was simply “Song Number Four”. “Can we listen to Song Number Four, Mommy?” “Mommy, I want to hear Song Number Four.” “Skip to Song Number Four, please.” And I also enjoyed (and knew the name of) “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”.

A strange thing happened when I slowly but surely got back into the Beatles in October. For years I’d had scraps of random songs floating around my head, having no idea what they were from. One day, I come home from school and, wanting a change, play 1.

BAM. Recollection. So awesome.

This is gonna be a realllllly long post.

I blame my Beatles obsession partly on Peyton and partly on my Spelling textbook. It’s Peyton’s fault because, on the way home from school, I mentioned I had a Beatles song stuck in my head. She said she did, too, and started singing “Help!” very quietly, skipping a line at the beginning. To my surprise, I remembered most of the song. At home, I pulled out the Help! CD and listened to it all the way through. Now my obsession was spread over two albums. What really turned me into a fully-fledged Beatles fan was reading one day, in my Spelling book, something about “Love Me Do”. I then realized I knew four of the lines to the song (which are actually almost all of it). Thusly I became the psycho you see today.

Tags: awesome, Beatles, memories

Lies

So I lied.

You might remember at the end of The Merits of Hell, where I typed those fateful capital letters. Okay, not fateful, but melodramatic. But, um, it didn’t last very long.

Well.

Now that I’ve admitted it, I guess it isn’t so bad. Just vaguely creepy and slightly disturbing. And weird. But not as much as before. You should have seen that diary entry…ahem. Never mind.

Tags: Beatles, madness, Paul McCartney

Kill Your Cable Box

If I hear Duncan make a TV reference one more time, someone will die. Preferably the TV.

It’s not the TV that’s at fault, of course not. The TV can, in fact, be very useful (Hello, Yellow Submarine?). So really, it’s simply the TV shows that should die. After all, only TV shows could be so unrelentingly crappy. Oh, some are all right. I will willingly watch iCarly, House, and AFV. But that’s it.

Movies are a different matter. Most movies are meant to be enjoyable, whereas TV shows are designed simply to keep your 6-year-old occupied while you operate heavy machinery (etc.). Yet it blows my mind that any 6-year-old, especially mine, can possibly enjoy this crap. (Then again, Sarah Anne likes to watch Chowder, and she’s 12 or 13. One of those.)

And if it weren’t for the cable, I wouldn’t have to deal with my pet first-grader constantly saying things like “What if Chowder’s first name were Clam and his last name were Chowder?” and then giggling at me. Really, it’s so freaking stupid it makes my mind explode. (My…brain…hurts!)

The worst thing about this whole thing is that the most stupid of shows is so attention-grabbing. I have actually managed to get the Phineas & Ferb theme song stuck in my head. I mean, what the hell? I have about 193 Beatles songs stored in there and this infantile ditty blocks them all out?

And all of these shows are on cable. So next time you buy a weird shirt, don’t get one that says “Kill Your TV” (My mom has one of these). Get one that says “Kill Your Cable Box”.

Tags: Beatles, idiotic, infantile, Kill Your TV, lame, stupid, TV

Beatles and Fish!

What do fish have to do with anything? I don’t know; I only know that they’ve shown up in most of my dreams about the Beatles. Except the ones with the spaceships and the intestines…but never mind. The point is, obviously the Beatles and fish have some kind of deep subconscious relationship.

Or maybe I’m just crazy.

The first dream, which I have never told the full details of, started with me swimming in this awesome lake. Then these people came out into the water holding what were probably blocks of wood covered in fish, and scraped the fish into the water. The fish then came to life. I continued swimming in this disturbing situation for a while, and don’t remember stopping.

Later, I was in some kind of mall with someone who was my dad and yet wasn’t, and–you guessed it–the Beatles! From Yellow Submarine, of course. And for some reason they were all really tall. Anyway, then there was the elevator bit. This was when, as far as I can remember, the Beatles were in an elevator, and Ringo came up with the idea of standing on top to get to the next floor sooner. He was the only one who did this. After the elevator stopped we had to go pull him out. The other Beatles came out of the elevator first, of course. And they were singing something.

The thing I can’t stand is that I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE SINGING! Damn. And then I woke up with “Nowhere Man” stuck in my head, and no, that wasn’t it.

And so that I can shut up and talk about something else, enjoy this:

It’s the evil volcanic toilet! Dun-dun-dun.

Tags: awesome, Beatles, bizarre, elevators, FAIL, Failblog, fish, nonsense

The Merits of Hell

(What, you thought that was going to be my only post today? Jeesh.)

I had an amazing dream once about hell/Hell. It was also very strange:

I was in high school (though it looked suspiciously like Lincoln). one of my friends was warned that she was going to be prematurely sent to Hell. She agreed, for some reason. When the day came, a big swirly portal opened at school and my friend got sucked in. I remember telling a teacher I was following her, getting permission (!), and jumping in just before the swirly portal closed.

Hell turned out to be an inn which was nicknamed “The Hell Hole”, as nobody knew what it was really called. It consisted of a kitchen/bar, several tables which folded into double beds, a staircase (forbidden), a door (also forbidden), and several large windows. Hell apears to have a landscape similar to Mars.

The odd thing was, we weren’t allowed to go outside. As my friend and I sprawled (I love that word) on our bed and stared out the window, I remember commenting “What the hell is out there, anyway?” I thought this was hilarious, but my friend called it a lame pun.

However, this is not the best part.

There is a teacher at my school who teaches Tolerance, but she must be the most INtolerant person I have ever met. She treats us like little kids, acting like she’s all nice and sweet and friendly and a bunch of other sickening crap like that. Then you complain about something or correct her or make the slightest mistake and BAM!–Detention! Her name is Ms. Suzuki.

In my dream, Ms. Suzuki was the owner of The Hell Hole.

This dream did not involve intestines (invisible or otherwise), but I’m mentioning them here for an excuse to use the tag again.

Also, with regards to the issues discussed in “You Better Not Laugh” (see post): I had thought I could just let this die down a bit. Then, of course, my mom had to go be an *** about it (Groupies…*shudders*), making jokes about what I would do if I could go back in time and meet the Beatles. Therefore I find it necessary to make this statement: I NO LONGER HAVE A CRUSH ON PAUL. (He’s still awesome, though.)

Tags: Beatles, Dreams, Hell, intestines, invisible, Ms. Suzuki

The Process of Britification, or Inopportune “U” Placers Anonymous

I can’t spell anymore.

Inopportune “U” Placers Anonymous (IUPA) Mindset Adjustment Guide:

Say loudly to self, “Vigor does not have a ‘u’ in it.” Repeat as necessary.

There is definitely something wrong with me now. I mean, really, when you start typing “vigour” in forum posts, then it’s all gone wrong. [banging head against wall] This is not Europe! Help!!!!!

Tags: Beatles, Britification, errors, IUPA, lame

The Erratic Jacket Revisited

Everyone remembers my “Erratic Jacket Phenomenon” post, yes? (If not, go find it. It’s hilarious.) Well, may I introduce to you, the one, the only…

Erratic Jacket Study! [clapping]

Embellishments aside, I need to explain what I’ve done here, because it’s a little odd and unnecessary. I’ve actually counted every single time the aforementioned Erratic Jacket (which is awesome, by the way) changes colors, etc. So prepare to be amazed at the utter pointlessness of my undertaking!

Color Changes
Black: 23 times
Brown: 1 time
Purple: 29 times
Purple, obviously, is the dominant color.

Those Weird Changes in the Back of the Jacket
Split (or whatever it’s called): 11 times
Solid: 6 times
In Between: 1 time
I can’t say which is dominant here. My count is probably inaccurate because I totally forgot this part until halfway through the “Nowhere Man” bit. Sorry.

Number of Times Paul’s Collar Switched Between White & Orange After They Put The Uniforms On: 5 times

Here are some other things I wrote down, just because it was fun.

Total Lame Jokes: 68

And finally, here are some things Duncan and I said while we were watching Yellow Submarine. (Some are explained in parentheses.)
“He’s eating my pencil!” (Io likes to attack pencils, apparently. O-kay, moving on.)
“What the hell is he singing?”
“Real life?”
“This is why Ringo will never play the bagpipes.”
“Look, he squishes his nose.” (No clue.)
“Why is that horse’s head smoking?”
“I said–That’s a phone.” (Well, actually, I did say that. But I was going to say I said something else, except that Duncan thought a phone was a clock.)
“Hell is for love me?” (I misheard something Duncan said.)
“But ‘urgent’ starts with a ‘u’!” (Yes, it does. Not an “e”. A “u”.)
“Flying Ringos!” (End of “Only A Northern Song”.)
“George has a pointy head.” (It’s true.)
“Where did the flowers go?” (I mean, seriously. First they’re floating behind Paul. Then they vanish. What’s up with that?)
“Paul’s nose is funny-looking.” (It is! If you look at Paul’s nose in Yellow Submarine, it really is funny-looking! Nobody has a nose like that!)

For those of you who don’t understand the last one, look at this:

See? See?!

Now look at that and tell me Paul’s nose isn’t funny-looking.

And Peyton, I know you’re reading this. When is a good time for me to, uh, kidnap you and make you watch Yellow Submarine?

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Erratic Jacket, errors, music, Paul McCartney, Yellow Submarine