The Merits of Hell

(What, you thought that was going to be my only post today? Jeesh.)

I had an amazing dream once about hell/Hell. It was also very strange:

I was in high school (though it looked suspiciously like Lincoln). one of my friends was warned that she was going to be prematurely sent to Hell. She agreed, for some reason. When the day came, a big swirly portal opened at school and my friend got sucked in. I remember telling a teacher I was following her, getting permission (!), and jumping in just before the swirly portal closed.

Hell turned out to be an inn which was nicknamed “The Hell Hole”, as nobody knew what it was really called. It consisted of a kitchen/bar, several tables which folded into double beds, a staircase (forbidden), a door (also forbidden), and several large windows. Hell apears to have a landscape similar to Mars.

The odd thing was, we weren’t allowed to go outside. As my friend and I sprawled (I love that word) on our bed and stared out the window, I remember commenting “What the hell is out there, anyway?” I thought this was hilarious, but my friend called it a lame pun.

However, this is not the best part.

There is a teacher at my school who teaches Tolerance, but she must be the most INtolerant person I have ever met. She treats us like little kids, acting like she’s all nice and sweet and friendly and a bunch of other sickening crap like that. Then you complain about something or correct her or make the slightest mistake and BAM!–Detention! Her name is Ms. Suzuki.

In my dream, Ms. Suzuki was the owner of The Hell Hole.

This dream did not involve intestines (invisible or otherwise), but I’m mentioning them here for an excuse to use the tag again.

Also, with regards to the issues discussed in “You Better Not Laugh” (see post): I had thought I could just let this die down a bit. Then, of course, my mom had to go be an *** about it (Groupies…*shudders*), making jokes about what I would do if I could go back in time and meet the Beatles. Therefore I find it necessary to make this statement: I NO LONGER HAVE A CRUSH ON PAUL. (He’s still awesome, though.)

Tags: Beatles, Dreams, Hell, intestines, invisible, Ms. Suzuki

The Process of Britification, or Inopportune “U” Placers Anonymous

I can’t spell anymore.

Inopportune “U” Placers Anonymous (IUPA) Mindset Adjustment Guide:

Say loudly to self, “Vigor does not have a ‘u’ in it.” Repeat as necessary.

There is definitely something wrong with me now. I mean, really, when you start typing “vigour” in forum posts, then it’s all gone wrong. [banging head against wall] This is not Europe! Help!!!!!

Tags: Beatles, Britification, errors, IUPA, lame

Teen Pregnancy

I know, I know. Reading the title, you’re expecting a long, serious discussion. What’s wrong with you people? This is me we’re talking about. Which is why I present you with:

This particular cake goes hand-in-hand with an Algebra problem that I find funny. It was one of those ones where you have to figure out the ages of two people. This is what it said (I can’t remember the actual name):

“Sarah is 16 years older than her son.”

Um.

Are the Algebra people advocating teen pregnancy?

Tags: bizarre, FAIL, lame, misunderstandings

The Erratic Jacket Revisited

Everyone remembers my “Erratic Jacket Phenomenon” post, yes? (If not, go find it. It’s hilarious.) Well, may I introduce to you, the one, the only…

Erratic Jacket Study! [clapping]

Embellishments aside, I need to explain what I’ve done here, because it’s a little odd and unnecessary. I’ve actually counted every single time the aforementioned Erratic Jacket (which is awesome, by the way) changes colors, etc. So prepare to be amazed at the utter pointlessness of my undertaking!

Color Changes
Black: 23 times
Brown: 1 time
Purple: 29 times
Purple, obviously, is the dominant color.

Those Weird Changes in the Back of the Jacket
Split (or whatever it’s called): 11 times
Solid: 6 times
In Between: 1 time
I can’t say which is dominant here. My count is probably inaccurate because I totally forgot this part until halfway through the “Nowhere Man” bit. Sorry.

Number of Times Paul’s Collar Switched Between White & Orange After They Put The Uniforms On: 5 times

Here are some other things I wrote down, just because it was fun.

Total Lame Jokes: 68

And finally, here are some things Duncan and I said while we were watching Yellow Submarine. (Some are explained in parentheses.)
“He’s eating my pencil!” (Io likes to attack pencils, apparently. O-kay, moving on.)
“What the hell is he singing?”
“Real life?”
“This is why Ringo will never play the bagpipes.”
“Look, he squishes his nose.” (No clue.)
“Why is that horse’s head smoking?”
“I said–That’s a phone.” (Well, actually, I did say that. But I was going to say I said something else, except that Duncan thought a phone was a clock.)
“Hell is for love me?” (I misheard something Duncan said.)
“But ‘urgent’ starts with a ‘u’!” (Yes, it does. Not an “e”. A “u”.)
“Flying Ringos!” (End of “Only A Northern Song”.)
“George has a pointy head.” (It’s true.)
“Where did the flowers go?” (I mean, seriously. First they’re floating behind Paul. Then they vanish. What’s up with that?)
“Paul’s nose is funny-looking.” (It is! If you look at Paul’s nose in Yellow Submarine, it really is funny-looking! Nobody has a nose like that!)

For those of you who don’t understand the last one, look at this:

See? See?!

Now look at that and tell me Paul’s nose isn’t funny-looking.

And Peyton, I know you’re reading this. When is a good time for me to, uh, kidnap you and make you watch Yellow Submarine?

Tags: Beatles, bizarre, Erratic Jacket, errors, music, Paul McCartney, Yellow Submarine

Revelation of the Week

Yeah, this is kind of lame. See, for a good bit of last month, I had “The Fool On The Hill” stuck in my head. And this is because I had listened to it before, obviously, and suddenly thought, like this big revelation, “Hey, wait a sec! I’m the Fool on the Hill!” Of course I’m not really, but come on. It’s plausible. Either that or I’m becoming one of those people who reads too much into Beatles songs. Like those idiots that came up with the whole “Paul is dead” thing.

Also, pancakes are actually pretty good cold.

This is kinda unrelated, but a couple days ago I was walking home with Peyton & Co. (well, just Peyton and Ashley, but Peyton & Co. sounds better) and Peyton said something about how when she gets old, she’s going to have “brilliant” white hair. For some reason this use of the word brilliant made me laugh. I have no idea why. I sort of think it could possibly have something to do with this Beatles obsession thing, but that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

By the way, look at some of the things I like: The Beatles. Monty Python. Terry Pratchett. The Rutles.

Do you see something wrong in the fact that at least half of my entertainment (etc.) comes from British guys?

Tags: Beatles, lame, Monty Python, music, revelation, Rutles, Terry Pratchett, word association